In class when asked to point out someone we looked up to, and which of the three "fully functioning person" qualities they represented, a lot of folks mentioned their parents. I was pretty shocked, as I think my upbringing was more of a guide on how not to be a fully functioning person. There was an excerpt from Bolton's "People Skills" that really drove all of this fully functioning person concept home. It talked about parenting, and all that goes into it.
Parents teach in the toughest school in the world - The School for Making People. You are the board of education, the principal, the classroom teacher, and the janitor...You are expected to be experts on all subjects pertaining to life and living...There are few schools to train you for your job, and there is no general agreement on the curriculum. You have to make it up yourself. Your school has no holidays, no vacations, no unions, no automatic promotions or pay raises. You are on duty or at least on call 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, for at least 18 years for each child you have. Besides that, you have to contend with an administration that has two leaders or bosses, whichever the case may be - and you know the traps two bosses can get into with each other. Within this context you carry on your people-making. I regard this as the hardest, most complicated, anxiety-ridden, sweat and blood producing job in the world. (p. 6)This got me thinking. Sure, I have superiors who have inspired me, mentors, friends, athletes etc. But none of those people had the sole responsibility of creating a fully functioning person. From scratch. Parenting, now that is where it is at.
I once had a superior at work who I really enjoyed working with, but couldn't quite figure out why. One day he was telling me a story about his daughter, and it gave some insight into his parenting style, which in turn gave insight into his leadership style within the workplace. He told me that he allowed his kids the chance to defend their position, on anything. His daughter, at a party, asked for the last cookie on a plate. His wife told her "no." When the daughter asked why, she responded with "because not everyone at the party has had a chance to have one and may want it." A few minutes later, their daughter came back and asked again. She explained that she asked each and every person at the party if they wanted the last cookie, and they all declined. When the mother went to say "no" once again, her husband (my co-worker) interjected and said the daughter had justified her position on the cookie based on the reasoning behind her mothers rejection, and proved it to be wrong. This blew my mind! Not only did this let the kids express free-thinking and problem solving, but it forced the parents to be mindful in their reasoning. This kid was 6 years old, mind you.
People making is no joke. In order to create a fully functioning person, you have to understand the makings of one, emulate those qualities and somehow instill them into a free-thinking human. It's crazy to think about when put into perspective. This video I found really tied this all together for me. "A style of parenting where you are in a mutually respectful relationship with your child. With shared decision making. Where you've moved away from trying to use these tools of control to get immediate behavioral compliance." And it hit me, this is what my co-worker was doing!
So lets break it down.
Genuinity means you have to be real with your kids. They have to know the good, the bad, the ugly. They need to see YOU as a fully functioning person. They need to have some transparency in order to understand you, and parenting, and this thing we call life. My mom sheltered me from this. She pretended she had never done anything wrong. And it challenged me, I couldn't relate, and there wasn't room to come forward and be human. If you set impossible standards, your kids will never know a sense of accomplishment or rightness.
Non-Possessive love or unconditional positive regard are like the video said. If we don't encourage kids to be themselves, really be themselves (not versions of us) then they will have a lifetime struggle of identity crisis. We learned about personality styles, so we have to consider that kids DO NOT HAVE the same style as parents. Which requires flexing. Like, full-time flexing in your household, in order to really allow them to be the truest representation of themselves. In this video Charfen refers to Carl Rogers and the theory of unconditional positive regard. She even posted it on the fridge, with a foot note stating *I don't need to be the judge and jury.
And empathy. Oh empathy. "The healthy emotional development of a child, that instead of punishing them, you would try to be with them in their feelings and to guide them." Because, aren't you, as parents, the guides to life??
And lastly, to tie all of these things together, the video touches on a key point. That in order to be a fully functioning person, complete with genuinity, unconditional positive regard, and empathy, we have to be capable of giving those three things to ourselves. First.
Thanks for reading.
References:
Unconditional positive regard -- the power of self acceptance | Michelle Charfen | TEDxRedondoBeach. (n.d.). Retrieved February 02, 2016, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tkkL9w2pw8
Bolton, R. (1986). People skills: How to assert yourself, listen to others, and resolve conflicts. New York: Simon & Schuster.
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