The Business of Building Humans

In class when asked to point out someone we looked up to, and which of the three "fully functioning person" qualities they represented, a lot of folks mentioned their parents. I was pretty shocked, as I think my upbringing was more of a guide on how not to be a fully functioning person. There was an excerpt from Bolton's "People Skills" that really drove all of this fully functioning person concept home. It talked about parenting, and all that goes into it.

Parents teach in the toughest school in the world - The School for Making People. You are the board of education, the principal, the classroom teacher, and the janitor...You are expected to be experts on all subjects pertaining to life and living...There are few schools to train you for your job, and there is no general agreement on the curriculum. You have to make it up yourself. Your school has no holidays, no vacations, no unions, no automatic promotions or pay raises. You are on duty or at least on call 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, for at least 18 years for each child you have. Besides that, you have to contend with an administration that has two leaders or bosses, whichever the case may be - and you know the traps two bosses can get into with each other. Within this context you carry on your people-making. I regard this as the hardest, most complicated, anxiety-ridden, sweat and blood producing job in the world. (p. 6)

This got me thinking. Sure, I have superiors who have inspired me, mentors, friends, athletes etc. But none of those people had the sole responsibility of creating a fully functioning person. From scratch. Parenting, now that is where it is at. 

I once had a superior at work who I really enjoyed working with, but couldn't quite figure out why. One day he was telling me a story about his daughter, and it gave some insight into his parenting style, which in turn gave insight into his leadership style within the workplace. He told me that he allowed his kids the chance to defend their position, on anything. His daughter, at a party, asked for the last cookie on a plate. His wife told her "no." When the daughter asked why, she responded with "because not everyone at the party has had a chance to have one and may want it." A few minutes later, their daughter came back and asked again. She explained that she asked each and every person at the party if they wanted the last cookie, and they all declined. When the mother went to say "no" once again, her husband (my co-worker) interjected and said the daughter had justified her position on the cookie based on the reasoning behind her mothers rejection, and proved it to be wrong. This blew my mind! Not only did this let the kids express free-thinking and problem solving, but it forced the parents to be mindful in their reasoning. This kid was 6 years old, mind you. 

People making is no joke. In order to create a fully functioning person, you have to understand the makings of one, emulate those qualities and  somehow instill them into a free-thinking human. It's crazy to think about when put into perspective. This video I found really tied this all together for me. "A style of parenting where you are in a mutually respectful relationship with your child. With shared decision making. Where you've moved away from trying to use these tools of control to get immediate behavioral compliance." And it hit me, this is what my co-worker was doing! 

So lets break it down. 

Genuinity means you have to be real with your kids. They have to know the good, the bad, the ugly. They need to see YOU as a fully functioning person. They need to have some transparency in order to understand you, and parenting, and this thing we call life. My mom sheltered me from this. She pretended she had never done anything wrong. And it challenged me, I couldn't relate, and there wasn't room to come forward and be human. If you set impossible standards, your kids will never know a sense of accomplishment or rightness. 

Non-Possessive love or unconditional positive regard are like the video said. If we don't encourage kids to be themselves, really be themselves (not versions of us) then they will have a lifetime struggle of identity crisis. We learned about personality styles, so we have to consider that kids DO NOT HAVE the same style as parents. Which requires flexing. Like, full-time flexing in your household, in order to really allow them to be the truest representation of themselves. In this video Charfen refers to Carl Rogers and the theory of unconditional positive regard. She even posted it on the fridge, with a foot note stating *I don't need to be the judge and jury. 

And empathy. Oh empathy. "The healthy emotional development of a child, that instead of punishing them, you would try to be with them in their feelings and to guide them." Because, aren't you, as parents, the guides to life??

And lastly, to tie all of these things together, the video touches on a key point. That in order to be a fully functioning person, complete with genuinity, unconditional positive regard, and empathy, we have to be capable of giving those three things to ourselves. First. 

Thanks for reading. 

References:

Unconditional positive regard -- the power of self acceptance | Michelle Charfen | TEDxRedondoBeach. (n.d.). Retrieved February 02, 2016, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tkkL9w2pw8

Bolton, R. (1986). People skills: How to assert yourself, listen to others, and resolve conflicts. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Personal Inventories

Looking at behaviors (how people act) and personalities (who people are) and how they relate, can give us insight into ourselves and others and foster more meaningful connections and effective working relationships.

Growing up in a very unstable household, I may have learned earlier than most how to bend to the personality traits of others. Where this was important for survival, I always felt disconnected and unable to navigate my own personality. A significant amount of who I was from day to day was based off the level of "survival" mode I found myself in. Later, when I struck out on my own, I often struggled with personal relationships, whether in personal or business settings. 

My first Interpersonal Communications class was life-changing. It sounds silly, but it's the first time I was presented with the idea that relating with others takes work, and accountability. It quickly became a passion of mine and I attended that class more regularly than any other. It was easy to see how this knowledge could help me in friendships, working relationships, family gatherings, romantic partners, the list goes on. I was actually astounded that they didn't teach this stuff in High School. I already had a long mental list of the ways this knowledge could have saved me in the past. 

Fast forward about 10 years and I started needing this information for my position in the military. I was put in charge of a large group of people but had absolutely no idea how to lead. Luckily, due to my mild obsession with personal relations, I knew enough to ask for help, and began hoarding books on the subject. I was soon learning about people styles, personality types, behavioral inventories etc. I took the Myers-Briggs test for a class, and reading about my "type" gave me so much insight on myself and relationships. Then a friend introduced me to Color Works, which is primarily used for parenting, but can really help anyone. Color Works breaks people down into 4 color groups, and then gives great advice on how to relate to others, as well as better understand ourselves. This is the first thing that came to mind when reading Bolton's People Styles at Work...And Beyond. They both give great explanations of traits, good and bad, of each personality type. Color Works, however, goes more into detail about the combinations of colors. Most of us show 2 colors, and the way those two colors relate helps us understand our unique nature. I feel Bolton's book pigeon holes us into our group, and it was easy for me to see ways I was different from my category. Of course, any inventory shows us our "dominant" traits, with the understanding that we have recessive traits of other types.

Another inventory I have gained a lot of value from is Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages. This begins with a quiz, and shows us how we best receive love from others. Although this is targeted towards romantic relationships, I think it is valuable for friendships too. After taking the quiz, you are ranked by how you receive love from the 5 categories: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. One of the easiest ways to see how we, or others, receive love is to focus on what is complained about most in the relationship. Again, like Bolton's, this inventory also gives ideas for how to communicate effectively with people of different types, and how to better understand each other.

I feel these types of "inventories" are paramount, not only for future careers, but for everyday relationships. I find them especially helpful as a mentor for young kids in equine therapy. As a new mentor, I still have a lot to learn and these can be tough situations. I feel by having a basic understanding of behavior and personality styles I can adjust my own approach to better relate to the kids. In the field of therapeutic recreation these tools will help as well. Overall, everyone can benefit from this information. 

Parentingbycolorscom. (2016). Parentingbycolorscom. Retrieved 20 January, 2016, from http://www.parentingbycolors.com/index.html

Bolton, R & Bolton, D.G. (2009). People Styles at WorkAnd Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better. (2nd ed.). : AMACOM .

Chapman, G. (2015). The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. (Reprint ed.). : Northfield Publishing.